This was both difficult and comforting to read as a mom of many. I wrestle with these sentiments daily as a mom of 9 children ages 10 and younger. Being a mom to them is as natural as breathing but pregnancy while mothering is very hard.
I wrestle with these sentiments from time to time, and I have not given of myself nearly as much as you have. Nine children in 10-11 years is a lot! You are so blessed. And also, God has called forth from you so much sacrifice along the way of granting such blessings. I have been meditating a lot on these sacrifices and the types of suffering women face in being open to receiving children as blessings from God. I hope I can soon articulate it in a way that encourages; until now, please know that there are many of us who think any mother who seeks to faithfully love the children whom God gives, is giving an immeasurable good to our world. And this says nothing to the good it gives to the Kingdom of God.
Thank you for your kind words. Sometimes motherhood is a lonely walk but it’s wonderful when God sprinkles kindness along the way. I’ll try to rest that when I can.
Thank you for this. Beautifully stated. I love your “God loves babies; I was a baby once” answer.
I’m also a confessional Lutheran, a PW and mother of eight living children. I wrote about a correlating question last year: how many children do you have?
This is beautiful. And I have some dear friends who live this out and it’s wonderful to see. This isn’t exactly the same, but it reminds me of the opposite situation - the woman who has always desired a large family, but because of infertility has had to welcome a similar posture. I’m in that boat, currently. Now, instead of saying, “I was # of kids,” I say, “I will be happy with whatever the Lord gives us, however that child(ren) comes to us,” (biology or adoption). It is a complete and total surrender and each child is a gift from God. Thank you for sharing your words!
Maria, thank you for your comment. I’m sorry you are dealing with infertility. While the experience is vastly different, with grief that can be nearly unbearable, I believe that it requires exactly the same understanding to faithfully embrace both the lack of desired children, or the arrival of inconveniently-timed (to us) children. Katie Schuermann of He Remembers the Barren has a beautiful line on her bio on her website:
“I have faith that children are exactly what God tells us they are in His Word: a heritage to receive from Him. Children are not a prize for me to earn, a commodity for me to demand, nor an idol for me to worship. They are a gift which my Heavenly Father only has the privilege to bestow and to withhold.“
Thank you so much, Leah, for your kind words! That quote brought tears to my eyes. And you are absolutely right - it is all a faithful embrace. Thank you, again, for your words. They are helping more people than you know!
Thanks for sharing your experience, Leah! It's so easy to try to contain our fertility within the box of "choice" but Christians have the *gift* of acknowledging that God has more for us than we could ever choose for ourselves.
We discerned the need to avoid conceiving for a few years. It was a painful cross for me, especially because it wasn't clear if/when that phase would end.
I think framing this all in the language of fruitfulness and blessing lends such a decision the appropriate gravity if we feel God is calling us to avoid pregnancy, because it becomes a fast, a sacrifice. (When we did get pregnant again it was with our second set of twins, so God has a sense of humor along with abundant generosity!)
Me in the midst of every pregnancy: “never again!!!”
Me when my baby turns two: “maybe just one more…” 😂
Currently 22 weeks with twin boys (babies #5 and 6) and back in the same cycle of detesting the process and adoring the result. It’s a good thing God knows more about what’s right for our family than I do.
Congratulations on the twins! It is a hard work we do in these childbearing years. I worked in oncology and hospice nursing for eight years, and sometimes got to see what might come of embracing the role as a mother to many. There is an unmatched beauty in the patriarch, or matriarch, being surrounded by tens of descendants in their final days.
I find myself stuck in the middle in this conversation. I have epilepsy and I have four kids. There are people who think my husband and I are crazy for this. A couple of things have happened that would appear to prove them right. Honestly, if it weren’t for the grace of God here in this present life, my kids and I would be dead. And yet here we are very much alive! I don’t drive, but we have a good life and a home walking distance from
church. We followed God’s calling and he preserved us.
And yet now I find myself back again asking this question of myself as my baby is about to turn one. Are we done? There were complications with my last birth on top of my condition. I want to do God’s will. What is that? Are there responsibilities here that I do need to attend to?
Thank you! I certainly don’t want to shy away from the conversation and considering scripture just because life of scary and complicated! It is an important conversation, and truly, everything can change in an instant health wise. We are all vulnerable. Maybe having even more kids who can drive me around someday is the very best thing I could do! 😉 God knows!
All through my pregnancies I have considered Christ’s words, “Greater love has no man than this than he lay down his life for his friend.” I have not had to do that. Other women have paid a greater price and taken on greater risks. I will not live forever and if God needs me to bear another child for the good of his kingdom, who am I to say no?
I appreciate your comment, and am thankful to hear of God’s preservation of your life, and those of your children! Epilepsy can be so unpredictable, I hope you have been granted the blessing of it being manageable. A situation like yours is what I referenced in a footnote, that we ought to never be dismissive of the difficulties families face in bearing children. My aim is to draw these conversations away from natural human reason into sanctified humility before Holy Scripture. It is never easy. I will say a prayer for you and those with whom you consult.
I have to add that I have tried to have an attitude of being open to the lives God wants to bless us with. That being said, I will be brutally honest and say there were times I struggled to really live that posture of being open to life when I would discover a new pregnancy in the midst of already being overwhelmed. I felt guilty over being less than excited over a new pregnancy. I know that human life is always a gift, it just doesn't always feel like it. (And that's okay, for feelings are fickle things, and we can't let them be in the driver's seat, though they do have a role.) I know now, though, that it's okay to own that human life is always a gift, and it's okay to cry out to God and tell Him how overwhelmed we are. He will give us all the grace and strength we need to manage, somehow. "To be sorry and glad together is to be perceptive to the richness of life." - Elizabeth Goudge (from Green Dolphin Street)
“Feelings are fickle things, and we can't let them be in the driver's seat, though they do have a role.“
I understand all of this all too well. Christ is merciful and gracious even to the ungrateful. My momentary ingratitude cannot negate the goodness of the gift. And joy can come! The more we rehearse the truth, we will be shaped to rejoice in God’s blessings.
"As for me, I remain grateful that God is still open to welcoming children into His family, the Church, through the new birth of the Holy Spirit by faith in Christ. As He is, so may we be."
I like this. I never thought about comparing our openness to life to God welcoming new family members into the Church.
This is great. You'd probably also appreciated Emily Stimpson Chapman, who, along with other Catholics adhering to NFP has taught me much about the role of continual communication and prayerful discernment with our husbands. And, I love her explanation of the inclusion of the phrase "we think" instead of bluntly saying "we're done", which gives a sense of controlling finality when said by still-fertile couples.
I suppose I'm extra sensitive about the posture of this question, as we had our first three children within three years, and we got some weird comments. So now being pregnant with our 4th, I'm always eager to hear how others navigate these conversations and their own hearts as they do so. My brother and sister-in-law recently lost their 20 week-old baby mid-pregnancy (after multiple other losses). That shook it into me how much we cannot presume upon future children or take current ones for granted. Even if we feel overwhelmed with children sometimes, they are still gifts.
Oh! And Caitlin Estes runs Fertile Faith here (she is trained in both the Creighton Method and has an MDiv). I have appreciated her posts on everything from control and openness to life to the physical issues we come up against, to the emotional and spiritual effect of living in actual bodies and navigating their fertility, etc. You might enjoy her work, too.
I thought of you and your brother's family (among others) today. I've been working my way through Walther's Hymnal, which is the first publication of English translations for a large number of hymns that German Lutherans were singing in the 1800's.
The section on Death and Burial is comprised of 44 hymns (many of which have ten or more stanzas), and a number are dedicated specifically to the deaths of infants and children. Some were written by Gerhardt, who buried his own children, likely others did too, so I felt their words weightier and trusted them as more than platitude.
"I was on earth your treasure;
When now I know but pleasure
Ye weep in bitter woe;
Believe, whate'er betideth,
God's love in all abideth,
And soon your tears shall cease flow."
-J. Heermann
You mentioned your brother and sister-in-law have suffered multiple losses. I'm praying that they continue to be upheld in God's comfort and mercy, finding peace in the wounds of Jesus, as time marches on without the babies they wished they could be holding. Wounds reopen, sometimes without warning, and I think (can't really know for sure, right?) that I would reach for these if I were grieving.
(I also thought of you because of the sheer frequency with which the resurrection is mentioned - it's inescapable - and the repeated cry for God to prepare us for a blessed end. I can only imagine what Christians would be like, had we continued singing these hymns in American churches.)
Congratulations on your new baby! God keep you both in His care.
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss in your family. There are women I know whose faith is so great to still receive children even through severe complications and repeated losses. It shuts up my complaints about feeling overwhelmed with treasures. I’m ashamed of how often I fall into ingratitude.
It is also the losses especially that I think of when referencing people past these fertile years. How many children are still living? Estranged? Geographically distant?
Being open to having babies isn’t going to magically fix that — because again, God grants life, not our human planning — but it is one part of a healthy submission to the good providence of God that I’m sure will benefit us in later years.
I appreciate the resources! I resist the notion of NFP simply because of the “planning,” (yeah call me crazy now) but I hope it makes sense with my urge for biblical language as we live in our created bodies. Woven Fertility sounds intriguing.
Thanks for the comment, and God bless you and your growing, drowning in diapers family.
Congratulations on the birth of your new baby! 3 in 3 years is an exciting way to live life, I feel.
That’s a funny thought - that you’ll always not know. 10 years from now people are probably going to think, “So she still can’t decide?” Ha! The great comfort is that God knows.
Yes! Absolutely! I resonate with this so very much :)
Thanks, Emily!
This was both difficult and comforting to read as a mom of many. I wrestle with these sentiments daily as a mom of 9 children ages 10 and younger. Being a mom to them is as natural as breathing but pregnancy while mothering is very hard.
I wrestle with these sentiments from time to time, and I have not given of myself nearly as much as you have. Nine children in 10-11 years is a lot! You are so blessed. And also, God has called forth from you so much sacrifice along the way of granting such blessings. I have been meditating a lot on these sacrifices and the types of suffering women face in being open to receiving children as blessings from God. I hope I can soon articulate it in a way that encourages; until now, please know that there are many of us who think any mother who seeks to faithfully love the children whom God gives, is giving an immeasurable good to our world. And this says nothing to the good it gives to the Kingdom of God.
I wonder if you might find some encouragement from Stephanie Murray's post today, as well as the comments: https://stephaniehmurray.substack.com/p/are-we-willing-to-admit-that-we-need
God bless you!
Thank you for your kind words. Sometimes motherhood is a lonely walk but it’s wonderful when God sprinkles kindness along the way. I’ll try to rest that when I can.
Um, WOW ❤️🔥.
Thanks, Amber!
Thank you for this. Beautifully stated. I love your “God loves babies; I was a baby once” answer.
I’m also a confessional Lutheran, a PW and mother of eight living children. I wrote about a correlating question last year: how many children do you have?
https://open.substack.com/pub/agoodwilderness/p/the-children-question-without-an?r=1u4svj&utm_medium=ios
Thank God in Christ that He has the best plans for us and for our children.
This is beautiful. And I have some dear friends who live this out and it’s wonderful to see. This isn’t exactly the same, but it reminds me of the opposite situation - the woman who has always desired a large family, but because of infertility has had to welcome a similar posture. I’m in that boat, currently. Now, instead of saying, “I was # of kids,” I say, “I will be happy with whatever the Lord gives us, however that child(ren) comes to us,” (biology or adoption). It is a complete and total surrender and each child is a gift from God. Thank you for sharing your words!
Maria, thank you for your comment. I’m sorry you are dealing with infertility. While the experience is vastly different, with grief that can be nearly unbearable, I believe that it requires exactly the same understanding to faithfully embrace both the lack of desired children, or the arrival of inconveniently-timed (to us) children. Katie Schuermann of He Remembers the Barren has a beautiful line on her bio on her website:
“I have faith that children are exactly what God tells us they are in His Word: a heritage to receive from Him. Children are not a prize for me to earn, a commodity for me to demand, nor an idol for me to worship. They are a gift which my Heavenly Father only has the privilege to bestow and to withhold.“
https://heremembersthebarren.com/hosts/
May God bless you, keep you, and cause you to abound in every way.
Thank you so much, Leah, for your kind words! That quote brought tears to my eyes. And you are absolutely right - it is all a faithful embrace. Thank you, again, for your words. They are helping more people than you know!
God bless you, Maria!
Thanks for sharing your experience, Leah! It's so easy to try to contain our fertility within the box of "choice" but Christians have the *gift* of acknowledging that God has more for us than we could ever choose for ourselves.
We discerned the need to avoid conceiving for a few years. It was a painful cross for me, especially because it wasn't clear if/when that phase would end.
I think framing this all in the language of fruitfulness and blessing lends such a decision the appropriate gravity if we feel God is calling us to avoid pregnancy, because it becomes a fast, a sacrifice. (When we did get pregnant again it was with our second set of twins, so God has a sense of humor along with abundant generosity!)
Me in the midst of every pregnancy: “never again!!!”
Me when my baby turns two: “maybe just one more…” 😂
Currently 22 weeks with twin boys (babies #5 and 6) and back in the same cycle of detesting the process and adoring the result. It’s a good thing God knows more about what’s right for our family than I do.
Congratulations on the twins! It is a hard work we do in these childbearing years. I worked in oncology and hospice nursing for eight years, and sometimes got to see what might come of embracing the role as a mother to many. There is an unmatched beauty in the patriarch, or matriarch, being surrounded by tens of descendants in their final days.
I always say “I don’t know!” It’s the only true answer.
I find myself stuck in the middle in this conversation. I have epilepsy and I have four kids. There are people who think my husband and I are crazy for this. A couple of things have happened that would appear to prove them right. Honestly, if it weren’t for the grace of God here in this present life, my kids and I would be dead. And yet here we are very much alive! I don’t drive, but we have a good life and a home walking distance from
church. We followed God’s calling and he preserved us.
And yet now I find myself back again asking this question of myself as my baby is about to turn one. Are we done? There were complications with my last birth on top of my condition. I want to do God’s will. What is that? Are there responsibilities here that I do need to attend to?
Please pray for me, a sinner!
Thank you! I certainly don’t want to shy away from the conversation and considering scripture just because life of scary and complicated! It is an important conversation, and truly, everything can change in an instant health wise. We are all vulnerable. Maybe having even more kids who can drive me around someday is the very best thing I could do! 😉 God knows!
All through my pregnancies I have considered Christ’s words, “Greater love has no man than this than he lay down his life for his friend.” I have not had to do that. Other women have paid a greater price and taken on greater risks. I will not live forever and if God needs me to bear another child for the good of his kingdom, who am I to say no?
That is a heart of valor.
I will add that I do plan to have conversations with my midwives and my priest.
I appreciate your comment, and am thankful to hear of God’s preservation of your life, and those of your children! Epilepsy can be so unpredictable, I hope you have been granted the blessing of it being manageable. A situation like yours is what I referenced in a footnote, that we ought to never be dismissive of the difficulties families face in bearing children. My aim is to draw these conversations away from natural human reason into sanctified humility before Holy Scripture. It is never easy. I will say a prayer for you and those with whom you consult.
I have to add that I have tried to have an attitude of being open to the lives God wants to bless us with. That being said, I will be brutally honest and say there were times I struggled to really live that posture of being open to life when I would discover a new pregnancy in the midst of already being overwhelmed. I felt guilty over being less than excited over a new pregnancy. I know that human life is always a gift, it just doesn't always feel like it. (And that's okay, for feelings are fickle things, and we can't let them be in the driver's seat, though they do have a role.) I know now, though, that it's okay to own that human life is always a gift, and it's okay to cry out to God and tell Him how overwhelmed we are. He will give us all the grace and strength we need to manage, somehow. "To be sorry and glad together is to be perceptive to the richness of life." - Elizabeth Goudge (from Green Dolphin Street)
“Feelings are fickle things, and we can't let them be in the driver's seat, though they do have a role.“
I understand all of this all too well. Christ is merciful and gracious even to the ungrateful. My momentary ingratitude cannot negate the goodness of the gift. And joy can come! The more we rehearse the truth, we will be shaped to rejoice in God’s blessings.
"As for me, I remain grateful that God is still open to welcoming children into His family, the Church, through the new birth of the Holy Spirit by faith in Christ. As He is, so may we be."
I like this. I never thought about comparing our openness to life to God welcoming new family members into the Church.
This is great. You'd probably also appreciated Emily Stimpson Chapman, who, along with other Catholics adhering to NFP has taught me much about the role of continual communication and prayerful discernment with our husbands. And, I love her explanation of the inclusion of the phrase "we think" instead of bluntly saying "we're done", which gives a sense of controlling finality when said by still-fertile couples.
I suppose I'm extra sensitive about the posture of this question, as we had our first three children within three years, and we got some weird comments. So now being pregnant with our 4th, I'm always eager to hear how others navigate these conversations and their own hearts as they do so. My brother and sister-in-law recently lost their 20 week-old baby mid-pregnancy (after multiple other losses). That shook it into me how much we cannot presume upon future children or take current ones for granted. Even if we feel overwhelmed with children sometimes, they are still gifts.
https://emilystimpsonchapman.substack.com/p/family-size-soul-ties-and-fatherhood?utm_source=publication-search
Oh! And Caitlin Estes runs Fertile Faith here (she is trained in both the Creighton Method and has an MDiv). I have appreciated her posts on everything from control and openness to life to the physical issues we come up against, to the emotional and spiritual effect of living in actual bodies and navigating their fertility, etc. You might enjoy her work, too.
https://wovenfertility.substack.com/
I thought of you and your brother's family (among others) today. I've been working my way through Walther's Hymnal, which is the first publication of English translations for a large number of hymns that German Lutherans were singing in the 1800's.
The section on Death and Burial is comprised of 44 hymns (many of which have ten or more stanzas), and a number are dedicated specifically to the deaths of infants and children. Some were written by Gerhardt, who buried his own children, likely others did too, so I felt their words weightier and trusted them as more than platitude.
"I was on earth your treasure;
When now I know but pleasure
Ye weep in bitter woe;
Believe, whate'er betideth,
God's love in all abideth,
And soon your tears shall cease flow."
-J. Heermann
You mentioned your brother and sister-in-law have suffered multiple losses. I'm praying that they continue to be upheld in God's comfort and mercy, finding peace in the wounds of Jesus, as time marches on without the babies they wished they could be holding. Wounds reopen, sometimes without warning, and I think (can't really know for sure, right?) that I would reach for these if I were grieving.
(I also thought of you because of the sheer frequency with which the resurrection is mentioned - it's inescapable - and the repeated cry for God to prepare us for a blessed end. I can only imagine what Christians would be like, had we continued singing these hymns in American churches.)
Here's the link if you're ever interested. https://www.amazon.com/Walthers-Hymnal-Evangelical-Congregations-Confession/dp/0758641176
How thoughtful - thanks so much for sharing all this, Leah.
Congratulations on your new baby! God keep you both in His care.
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss in your family. There are women I know whose faith is so great to still receive children even through severe complications and repeated losses. It shuts up my complaints about feeling overwhelmed with treasures. I’m ashamed of how often I fall into ingratitude.
It is also the losses especially that I think of when referencing people past these fertile years. How many children are still living? Estranged? Geographically distant?
Being open to having babies isn’t going to magically fix that — because again, God grants life, not our human planning — but it is one part of a healthy submission to the good providence of God that I’m sure will benefit us in later years.
I appreciate the resources! I resist the notion of NFP simply because of the “planning,” (yeah call me crazy now) but I hope it makes sense with my urge for biblical language as we live in our created bodies. Woven Fertility sounds intriguing.
Thanks for the comment, and God bless you and your growing, drowning in diapers family.
Congratulations on the birth of your new baby! 3 in 3 years is an exciting way to live life, I feel.
That’s a funny thought - that you’ll always not know. 10 years from now people are probably going to think, “So she still can’t decide?” Ha! The great comfort is that God knows.