I couldn’t agree more! My husband is actually the biggest doula fan - for my first VBAC especially, it was so incredibly helpful to have someone who had experience in what the heck was going on and could say, “it’s ok, this is normal, we’re going to try these things to relax” and who could kindly guide my husband in supporting me. Talking me off the ledge when things puttered out in early (sometimes false) labor was also so, so helpful for the mind game.
I’m super grateful the health sharing ministry we are a part of helps cover some of the cost of a doula because it would otherwise have been hard to bite the bullet that first time, but really they’re worth their weight in gold!
I’m so glad to hear your husband sees the value of a doula, and that you two got be supported together by her. And yes, especially in VBAC, when (so I often hear) mothers might need extra voices of calm and confidence!
The financial cost of doulas — yes, I didn’t even go into that but it can be surprising to some! I’m glad you have the option for support there. I’ve had a couple of baby showers where I’ve just requested diapers or donations toward my doula fee. I’ve also found that each of my doulas has expressed openness to negotiating fees or payment schedules if a couple finds the cost prohibitive. One in a rural area included swapping services or goods as a payment option.
Everyone had their opinions on what is a reasonable amount of money to spend on *whatever object or experience*, but I’ve just found that it’s good to let myself admit that childbirth is a really big deal, for me and baby. Gathering the support I need from whatever source — I hope you get a chance to read Sarah’s piece — even family or friends, has been very helpful for me. I don’t always do this for myself in other areas, but childbirth, always!
Thanks for the comment, fun to hear from another mom who’s had these experiences.
Yes I’m glad there’s creative ways to make it happen financially. Fortunately for us we’re in a more rural area where doulas charge literally a fraction of what they do in the nearby bigger cities. I’ve also found them willing to negotiate and there’s always the doulas-in-training who are looking for experience but still offer valuable support. I also envy friends who have a mom or other person in their life who naturally fills this role - such a gift.
I had a doula for our (undesired) hospital birth, and she was a true lifesaver! It was a five day labor, and she helped me stand up to some very unhelpful/abusive medical staff and even leave against medical advice halfway through. It was such a negative experience, but she helped get us through it - hiring her was the best decision we made.
Wow, I’m so sorry to hear about your hospital experience! I’m glad you had her support during a long labor with so much that was undesired or unexpected. Thanks for sharing your story here!
This was really beautiful. I've always understood—from afar in a logical way—the benefit of doulas. But for whatever reasons haven't utilized them myself. I guess I just assumed my husband would be a good-enough support. And he has been to some degree. But maybe there's multiple roles our current culture (or life circumstances) make us assume our husband should take on as default, when really there are others we need in our lives—for various things. And tbh this is not something I model well at this time of life!
Anyways, maybe it's just always seemed an excessive ask. Perhaps if there's a future pregnancy I will look more seriously into it.
That's such a great point, Haley. For all our [warranted] discomfort with the 'birthing person' language, I have found it very helpful to remember that women truly *are* the only birthing people, the only ones who have had menstrual cramps, the only ones who have asked one another in the bathroom for an extra pad -- with no shame. Actually a couple of days ago my husband (lovingly) told me to go to a mom's hangout at the park, where I could be with other people who understood my problems. He knew he had reached his limits of helping me, which was a good check for me. And your husband is probably great at all the roles he's handling! But, yes, the breakdown of feminine community is felt by many of us (and our husbands).
If there's a future pregnancy, I hope that voice whispering "excessive" in your ear quiets down. Childbirth is earth-shaking, and I'm no diva, but I do think women deserve *the best* in it, whether it means you utilize a doula or not.
I couldn’t agree more! My husband is actually the biggest doula fan - for my first VBAC especially, it was so incredibly helpful to have someone who had experience in what the heck was going on and could say, “it’s ok, this is normal, we’re going to try these things to relax” and who could kindly guide my husband in supporting me. Talking me off the ledge when things puttered out in early (sometimes false) labor was also so, so helpful for the mind game.
I’m super grateful the health sharing ministry we are a part of helps cover some of the cost of a doula because it would otherwise have been hard to bite the bullet that first time, but really they’re worth their weight in gold!
I’m so glad to hear your husband sees the value of a doula, and that you two got be supported together by her. And yes, especially in VBAC, when (so I often hear) mothers might need extra voices of calm and confidence!
The financial cost of doulas — yes, I didn’t even go into that but it can be surprising to some! I’m glad you have the option for support there. I’ve had a couple of baby showers where I’ve just requested diapers or donations toward my doula fee. I’ve also found that each of my doulas has expressed openness to negotiating fees or payment schedules if a couple finds the cost prohibitive. One in a rural area included swapping services or goods as a payment option.
Everyone had their opinions on what is a reasonable amount of money to spend on *whatever object or experience*, but I’ve just found that it’s good to let myself admit that childbirth is a really big deal, for me and baby. Gathering the support I need from whatever source — I hope you get a chance to read Sarah’s piece — even family or friends, has been very helpful for me. I don’t always do this for myself in other areas, but childbirth, always!
Thanks for the comment, fun to hear from another mom who’s had these experiences.
Yes I’m glad there’s creative ways to make it happen financially. Fortunately for us we’re in a more rural area where doulas charge literally a fraction of what they do in the nearby bigger cities. I’ve also found them willing to negotiate and there’s always the doulas-in-training who are looking for experience but still offer valuable support. I also envy friends who have a mom or other person in their life who naturally fills this role - such a gift.
Just read Sarah’s piece and she is right - being a doula is a true ministry! So glad for the women willing to offer themselves in this way.
I had a doula for our (undesired) hospital birth, and she was a true lifesaver! It was a five day labor, and she helped me stand up to some very unhelpful/abusive medical staff and even leave against medical advice halfway through. It was such a negative experience, but she helped get us through it - hiring her was the best decision we made.
Wow, I’m so sorry to hear about your hospital experience! I’m glad you had her support during a long labor with so much that was undesired or unexpected. Thanks for sharing your story here!
This was really beautiful. I've always understood—from afar in a logical way—the benefit of doulas. But for whatever reasons haven't utilized them myself. I guess I just assumed my husband would be a good-enough support. And he has been to some degree. But maybe there's multiple roles our current culture (or life circumstances) make us assume our husband should take on as default, when really there are others we need in our lives—for various things. And tbh this is not something I model well at this time of life!
Anyways, maybe it's just always seemed an excessive ask. Perhaps if there's a future pregnancy I will look more seriously into it.
That's such a great point, Haley. For all our [warranted] discomfort with the 'birthing person' language, I have found it very helpful to remember that women truly *are* the only birthing people, the only ones who have had menstrual cramps, the only ones who have asked one another in the bathroom for an extra pad -- with no shame. Actually a couple of days ago my husband (lovingly) told me to go to a mom's hangout at the park, where I could be with other people who understood my problems. He knew he had reached his limits of helping me, which was a good check for me. And your husband is probably great at all the roles he's handling! But, yes, the breakdown of feminine community is felt by many of us (and our husbands).
If there's a future pregnancy, I hope that voice whispering "excessive" in your ear quiets down. Childbirth is earth-shaking, and I'm no diva, but I do think women deserve *the best* in it, whether it means you utilize a doula or not.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment!